After the 'religious experience' of reading Douglas Adams, and studying logical fallacies, I found myself having this change in the way that I think, and being able to unmask the silly statements for the silly statements that they clearly are. I'll excitedly learn things deductively, tracing back my steps and occasionally 'stepping back' a bit to ask myself what exactly is it that I don't understand. This is a skill that render me able to understand complex-ish theories, and learn things in general, while being able to read a newspaper article and point out whatever doesn't make sense (Malaysian newspaper articles covering politicians generally, of course).
Today, I can do nothing of that sort.
Tried learning HTML5, but whenever I reached bits I don't understand, I was emotionally resistant to trace back and define exactly what I don't understand. Gave up, and moved on to reading online. I realised I'm somehow resistant to make sense of it unlike normal, and felt like joining the irrational screaming mob yelling for blood below the page in the comments section - how easy would it be to easily simplify things into black-and-white today!
I wouldn't exactly call this laziness (because my laziness usually comes with lethargy, and I'm feeling incredibly awake and alert now), but emotional resistance. I feel like a ball of emotion right now - which doesn't mean that I would lash out at people or cry or anything external, you see. I feel like doing nothing of that sort. I'm not in any way unhappy, although I don't like this state I'm in now, since I hate non-productivity, and I can't really can't do anything well now - something's missing, this lovely cynical, snarky inner voice that spot things. And I can't even sleep it away - this is way before when I usually feel sleepy, and I feel incredibly awake right now.
So instead, I thought maybe it would be good for me to rant it off here, with this lousy post that I don't bother to edit (because I can't really, you see. 'Emotionally resistant', and whatnot).
But:
a) Jesse Eisenberg is wonderfully neurotic (his self-doubting voice reminds me of my self-doubting voice...perhaps his self-doubting inner voice and my self-doubting inner voice can be friends...at least if I can find my self-doubting voice back. WHERE ARE YOU YOU SELF-DOUBTING VOICE. Maybe I should post up a lost-and-found notice somewhere.)
b) Well at any rate, self-doubting voice, critical cynicism, you're sorely missed. I didn't realise how much I need you to carry out life satisfactorily. Although you make me feel like I'm rubbish on a daily basis, I realise without you I'd be rubbish, and didn't know how much I depended on you. Please be there tomorrow when I wake up. Thanks.
c) It's amazing how me referring to an article about Jesse Eisenberg quickly turned into bullet-point conversations. Which is exactly how blogposts would be like if they're not thought out properly and held back by a restraining hand.
d) I'm an INTP, don't you know? This actually explains everything (at least everything troubling) about me, and I'm greatly comforted. I will now be my weirdest self with much pride.
e) Come to think of it, this is probably what happens when someone is under the influence of alcohol. Inhibitions are lowered, and all the thought self-doubt rubbish probably flies out of the window. And come to think of it, I do feel like I can now probably talk to people with some resemblance of confidence and with less infuriating appendixes. But do I want to be someone socially apt but incapable of producing anything good? Hell no.
f) I think I will now go piss some hours off by looking for something British, and funny, to watch. Tinkety-tonk.
ps. phrases like 'Tinkety-Tonk' and 'don't you know' is something I picked up from too much Jeeves and Wooster over too short a span of time. It's just one of those delightful ways they speak. I guess some semblance of that appendix-attaching twat is still present for me to bother attaching this ps in smaller fonts.
pps. I think I'm settling on watching Total Celebrity Wipeout, UK's version of Wipeout. Because if the US version makes me laugh till my stomach hurts, imagine what the UK version would do for me. Might as well piss some time off my laughing the hardest I can now.
ppps. I think you should consider this post on your league of drunk calls/emails/facebook status update. I should not be responsible for this in the morning. I'm not drunk, having consumed nothing stronger than Green Tea which gave me a headache (if it's your fault, then damn you to hell green tea!), but by God do I feel funny.
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